Midnight memoriesremember?
the parties in our basements with the singing and then the dancing and then the laughing and then the crying and then the hugs and then we’d all fall asleep with our hair unbrushed and eyeliner still streaked across our faces like war paint because we were fighters and we would all die for each other. yeah, me too. remember? the nights that were long but also short and timeless too popcorn never tasted as good without us all to throw it to each other we feasted like royalty and we were and we were everything as we painted our faces green and pink and sang in the mirror like they do in the movies. yeah, me too. remember? the hours on our beds with names and a pen and laughter because we got to choose who was good and we always chose each other and we swore we were being honest and we wrote out our lives and we lived them in seconds. yeah, me too. remember? the times i’d show up sad and then i’d feel better because we were all a little cracked so we knew how to fix each other and then we’d forget about the pain sadness tears and replace them with the scent of slightly burnt cookies and perfume and cucumbers and sweat. yeah, me too. remember? because i do. i remember how healing it was to see you all. and i remember the magic that came with going to sleep and waking up with the people who i loved most. i remember the inside jokes. i remember the bonds. i remember it all. i savor it all. because i will never get it back. i wonder how much our tradition has evolved without me. a lot probably. it makes me sick when i think of how i have a best friend now and i will never get that. i regret that i will never get to spend a magical night with my soul sibling. i will never get to heal like i got to heal then. i will never get to laugh or paint my face with tears and mascara or hug my best friend at three am after we cry about dumb things and big things and things we would never tell anyone else about. i miss the laughter. i even miss the fatigue because it was a kind of exhaustion that meant i had had fun. i miss that fun. i miss being woken up by screaming or pancakes or a slap or all of them. i miss the chaos that meant i was finally home. i miss spending a night as myself. i miss it all. i miss the unforgettability of the memories formed from caffeine and face masks. i miss having happiness burnt into my mind that i could re-remember whenever i was running low. i miss my friends and i miss the time i could’ve spent with them.
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April 2020
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